expectancy....opportunity.

I'm the kind of girl who always has a plan.
I've learned over the years that "the best laid plans....blah blah, blows up in your face" so
I usually don't sweat the small stuff. Having a baby is good for that.
The first time I had to completely change my plans at the last minute because
 my baby (fill in the blank, it has all happened: had a terrible attack of diarrhea, got a 104* fever, was up all night, etc) it really threw me. But then I learned to roll with it.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, I don't sweat the small stuff. However, I have always, always had an overarching long term plan. A goal. Something to work toward.
I am one of those lucky people who fell in love with my major in college and fell in love with my job. I have ALWAYS loved my job. In fact, sometimes I am surprised that I actually get paid for what I (used to) do. Then we moved for my husband's job. I left a job that I loved, but a town that I didn't, so I was not too heartbroken.
Unfortunately, the economy reared its ugly head, so in this town I cannot get a job in my field to save my life.
So in addition to all of my menopausal craziness, I have been banging my head up against a wall trying to make career inroads, trying different angles, networking. All to no avail. I even temped for a job that was related to my field, but didn't really like it.

So here I am at midlife. Twenty years experience and a Master's degree and I have squat.
All of my prospects are at a dead end. So I mourn and gnash my teeth and become depressed and it gets mixed up with all of the hormones and I become this wreck of a person.
And I have sat with this situation for three years....not really knowing what do to.
In many ways I am lucky: my husband makes good money, so I am not stressed out trying to support a family.
But, now what?
And that is the question:  What the hell do I do now?
Really, get healthy is number one. I still am trying to get my med/hormones down correctly (stay tuned for "Interesting and Scary Side Effects"... a must read!)

But what about my overarching goal of "Where Will My Life Go Next Now That My Career Is In the Toilet?"
I was doing yoga today (all part of the "get healthy" subset goal) and suddenly two words popped into my head: EXPECTANCY  and  OPPORTUNITY.

I realized that I have been looking at my life as a series of doors that have been closed to me: my job, my youth, my sanity, eating what I want, etc.
And if I sit here in the muck and the mud and just.......sit. Just hang and do nothing and look around I see.......openness.
I really don't have any idea what I am going to do next. For the first time in my life. No idea. And that thought is actually a little exciting. What do I do now? Who knows?
What if I just hang loose and keep the energy of expectancy, of opportunity?
What if I quit trying to contort my surroundings to what has always worked for me and to what I think I should be doing?
What if I just wait for awhile.....not with baited breath but with deep breathing?
 Looking for possibilities everywhere.

So these are my new mantra words:
expectancy        possibility         opportunity