Making Friends with Depression

I am learning to make friends with my depression.
I have been lucky enough never to have had depression before my little perimeno dance with psychosis. Over the years I would have friends that were not exercising and drinking too much and they would complain that they were depressed. Secretly I thought that they were at some level weak or lazy. I never understood why they did not just exercise, take their pills and get on with it!

My depression crept into my life so slowly that I did not really notice it at first. I moved from a very sunny climate to a beautiful place which has a lot of rain. It's just the rain--I thought.
But when it started to get sunny and I still felt rainy I knew something was wrong. In the midst of this I was also having night sweats and hot flashes....the doctors have told me that this magical combination equals: "perimenopause with depression".
I read that depression in menopause often strikes women who have never had any depression in the past. Since that was the case with me, I had no pattern, reserve or plan for coping with it. My little depression which crept into the room like an uninvited guest soon became the loud, obnoxious drunk that I was ready to boot out RIGHT NOW!!!
"Take this pill," my Dr. said, "you will feel better in a couple of months."
Well, that pill made me a walking zombie. I stuck it out for about six weeks and when my kids were (again) physically pulling me out of bed in the morning so they would not be late (again) for school, I went back to the Dr. who said:  "Oh, no. That pill is NOT for you. Try this pill. Give it a couple of months."
But that pill has not taken away my depression. Right now the Dr. has me trying hormones (which is giving me week-long raging headaches), and I can't make too many changes at once so now it is: "take this. don't call me in the morning. call me in two months."
Notice that if you add this up, six months have gone by. It has given me a lot of time to experiment with my depression.

At first, I  really thought that I could easily  boot that obnoxious depression OUT! Take a pill. It will be gone. Fixed. I hated my depression. Remember, I thought that weak people had it. And I was NOT weak! So I Hated it. HATED IT!! It was my enemy and had to be routed at all cost.
But the obnoxious, drunk guest was not ready to leave the party. So then I spent awhile deciding  to get drunk with it. There is something so satisfying about just wallowing in depression. "I have the mental flu so I am taking time off from my life.  My bed feels comfortable, I love chips and I am getting fat anyway so what the hell. Actually, what does it matter what I do on any level? Drinking feels great....and I am not working right now so why not start at lunch"?
So for several weeks that felt....not great, but somehow satisfying that I was wallowing in it and reveling in it:  I am DEPRESSED!!!!!  But somewhere in the midst of this I realized that  I was being sucked into quicksand and I felt that I had no tool to get out and escape. I was looking around for a rope---something, anything to pull me out. Or help me pull myself out.
And then I remember very clearly waking up one morning and my first thought of the day was, "Dammit, I am so annoyed that I can't just kill myself because it would screw up my kids forever."  I had been thinking about death a lot and I was really pissed about that fact that I couldn't/wouldn't kill myself. Go big or go home, right? If I am not going big with my depression, why not go home? What better and final way to escape it?

I was actually very surprised that I woke up that morning SO annoyed that I was NOT going to screw up my kids and kill myself. So, if I am not going to kill myself, I thought, why don't I give living a real shot? What if I quit drinking, really started eating right and exercising? What if I gave it some real time...like a year.....to be patient, get on the right mix of medications and hormones and do everything I can right now to take care of myself?
As I wrote in my "Martini Love Affair" post, the first tool I reached for was a book my sister gave me called the "Quit Drinking the Easy Way" by Allen Carr. His literary voice is like a goofy, used car salesman. I roll my eyes every other paragraph...but the book really does help.
Then I went back to charting my food on "My food diary.com" which I think is really good because it analyzes how healthy I am eating. I don't weigh myself yet. I am still too fragile for that. I have gained 20 pounds in two years and it will take a while to come off. My weight also really yo-yo's around with my hormone fluctuations--so I am now going for the long-haul healthy method.
I am also exercising daily. DAILY. I actually had a panic attack the first time I started swimming again. I thought: I am too fat. I look like hell. I can't get in the water and let people see me.   Well guess what? I swam with an 80 year old lady and a 230 pound lady who was younger than me.

So now I am doing everything, everything in my power to help get rid of my depression,
and you know what? I still feel like shit. I am still totally depressed, my sheets are soaking wet most mornings (from sweat, not pee thankyouverymuch) and some evenings I am so edgy it is all I can do not to down a pitcher of martinis. But I don't.

Now I wear my depression like a grey body stocking. It is with me all the time,but I don't hate it. It is part of me and I don't hate me. I am reading a lot about depression and I know, I know, I know that it will get better. Eventually, my dr. and I will get the combination of drugs and hormones right and my healthy lifestyle will only help it. I feel like I am walking along with my grey body stocking but going down a right path---not lost in quicksand.
I am also trying to learn from my depression. What does it teach me? Compassion. for myself and others. It teaches me patience. It teaches me that meditation and reading and therapy and friends really helps. It also gives me gratitude for my amazing, wonderful husband, kids and sister. My kids make me laugh so much--I love them. And I know that if I can---not fight---- but go with these experiences and grow through these experiences, that I am giving my kids a gift.
I also watch old people a lot now. I swam with a guy today who had to be 90. There he was, smiling in the water. I know I will come out the other side of this.