My love affair with my martini

This is it. I have found true love and his name is Martini. He has always been an acquaintance. Occasionally we would hang out too much and I would get sick, so we would take a break. Suddenly, though, he is the man of my life. Never have I needed him so much.
The evil Perimenomonster not only makes me depressed, it makes me very edgy. Many times I feel like I am about ready to jump out of my skin and run around the room screaming. But in the early evening, I pour that ice cold gin in that classy triangle glass. Slip in a little vermouth and a couple of queen size olives, settle back and slowly sip. The burn goes down my throat, settles in my stomach and warmth spreads throughout my body. The edginess goes away and I feel completely relaxed.
There is something illicit in this as well, which just increases my attraction.
For a few hours I am very relaxed....until that buzz wears off and I have to have another little visit with Martini again.
I read that alcohol messes with estrogen and can actually worsen depression, but how can that be when it feels so good in the moment?

As the weeks go on, I realize that my illicit love affair may be a bad relationship. I never get drunk or drive if I feel even a little bit buzzed. But recently I have been having lunch with Martini's brother The Pint. He is a very nice lunch date, and I only have one of him (MAYBE two if the edginess is really bad). The problem with dating his brother as well, is that if I start with his brother, then I really need my Martini all the more come 5 o'clock. And gradually I have noticed that I need more and more of my Martini for him to give me the same buzz he used to give me with just some little sips. And sometimes, I don't feel so great in the morning.
But just as I start to think I have a problem, the perimenomonster settles for a bit and I am independent again. I can spend time with my girlfriends Diet AandW and San Pelligrino and don't really need my true love. For about two weeks out of the month I can indulge and he is just a passing fling, not an obsession for me.

Then my "dark days" come. That is I what label them in my head. And my true love gets center stage...gets me through that edginess. Calms me and gives me that little boost of happiness that I am desperately searching for in my depression.
And then I start to think that I really do have a problem...for about 2 weeks out of the month. I wonder if I should go to an AA meeting and say, "Hello, my name is Perimenomonster and I am a raging alcoholic for about two weeks out of the month. But for the other two weeks, I can take it or leave it". I think that they would laugh at me and call me an impostor.
But I can't seem to shake this feeling that my love affair has really become an abusive relationship. I have so much depression and I have now quit exercising because I just don't really care anymore. I feel like I am in quicksand and I am searching around for some tool or  rope to get me out.
So I pull out a book my sister gave me called "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking" by Allen Carr. And it tells me everything I already know:

1. that alcohol is a poison and is addictive
2. that it makes depression worse and problems worse
3. that as a society we are brainwashed into thinking that alcohol is not a drug and that there is "something wrong" with alcoholics.

And I already know from all my menopausal readings that alcohol messes with estrogen in the body and also decreases the effectiveness of antidepressants (in some cases combining the two can be very harmful).
That Allen Carr book is one of my first tools I am using to pull me out of this deep depression.
I've decided to break up with Martini. He is no good for me right now, and neither is his brother Pint or any of his family.
In his book Allen Carr talks about addressing the REASONS you drink. He states that alcohol not only masks those reasons, but makes them worse.
I drink because I feel really crazy sometimes, and depressed a lot of the time. But I am starting to look at alcohol as a bandaid with bacteria in it. I put it on to heal my cut, and it feels good for awhile, but is actually making my cut infected.

So for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to heal myself in different ways:
I went back to exercising again, even though sometimes I REALLY don't want to--I take it like medicine. I am meditating---I use CD's and breathing exercises. I walk in the sun. I am trying to eat right. I started this blog to get all of my feelings out. My Dr. gave me ativan for when I am extremely edgy. When my meditation, deep breathing, walking or exercising does not work in the moment, and I feel really crazy, I allow myself to take one. At first I thought it was a cop out. But I have been reading about ativan and I realize that when I take it occasionally, it helps calm a part of my brain. It does not numb me like alcohol. And ativan is only one of the tools I am using now, along with diet, exercise, and medication.

I still feel depressed, and I still feel crazy. But I feel like I am at least on a path. That is why I chose a roller coaster for my icon. It is loopy and goes up and down and I have given up trying to control when goes up and down (that just makes me crazier)--but I am on a TRACK and I feel like I am on the right track.
Obviously this is a blog and not some Hollywood movie. I will probably have some guilt ridden visitations with Martini, and do many self-defeating and stupid things.
But to me real courage is trying and getting up again and again. People who do that have always really inspired me.  And because I feel that I am doing that right now, I am gaining self-respect in the midst of my depression and craziness.