midlife madness

This blog is for me.
I have no medical background---I don't assume to be a doctor or a psychologist.
I just have some peri-menopausal craziness that I have to get off my chest.
If there are any women out there in the cyber-universe who can relate to this, or if it helps you in any way, then it will make ME happy (see, I told you this blog is for me).

I have recently learned that I am very special. I am one of those 8-10% of women who have PMDD as brought on by "special sensitivity to hormone fluctuations in peri-menopause."
You can look up what PMDD stands for but to me it stands for Psycho Most
Days, Dammit!
Until this past year, I have prided myself on being very even keel. I was sick during my pregnancies, but not crazy. I never had much PMS. I always listened with empathy to anyone who had depression, but inside I always thought, "Why don't they just exercise and eat right? Why are they opposed to medication or why do they go off it?"

Well, I am here to apologize for any ignorant thoughts I have had about depression!
Depression sucks! At the very time that you should exercise the most, you just don't really care. I am on medication, but it takes a while to work: you have to find the right one, and then the right dose of the right one. And then there is the hormone factor: estrogen? birth control pills? progesterone? double the dose of the antidepressant?
Current medical thinking is that these remedies need to be tailored to each individual woman. So I try them all in whatever combinations and keep a detailed log on how crazy I am and when (did I actually try to run over someone with my car today or did I only THINK about it? Or was it a "smile and wave day?")
 Meanwhile months are going by and my husband is getting that little brittle look in his eyes behind his smile. He is starting to use a smile and tone of voice I have heard him use to calm puppies or screaming kids and I KNOW he is just patronizing me. And my kids seem to be a little skitterish for some reason: "mommy, are you crabby again today?" (yikes)  Or my 13 year old daughter who says, "Mom: I am PMS-ing but YOU are PMS-ing ALL THE TIME!"
    I do have to give my husband credit, though. The night I woke him up because I dreamed he was having an affair with the mousy, quiet girl who gives us massages (because she was CALM---that is why he was drawn to her). When I grilled him at 2 a.m. he smiled genuinely and calmly and said that no, he was not having an affair, except with work (my husband has many stressful deadlines) and that THAT affair was very one sided.
Then he gave me a gentle hug and held my hand and he went back to sleep.
I know he is not having an affair, but I still think he is....and that will only make sense in the crazy mind of the perimenomonster that I have become!

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: "My love affair with my martini"